Here's the scenario: Your young son or daughter has been invited to a friend's birthday party. You know this family to some degree and are aware that their eating standards aren't the same as your family's.
The party will likely include white-sugar and food-dye cake, chips, pop and candy in the goodie bag, all foods which are standard no-no's in your own home.
What do you do in this situation?
- Remember that birthday parties like this happen only occasionally, you eat well at home 90% of the time, and allow your child to eat freely at the party.
- Try to fill your child up on good, whole foods at home, prior to taking them. Remind them on the drive that the foods that will be served aren't ones that will keep their body healthy, and that while it is ok to accept a piece of cake when offered, they should try to avoid other junk foods if possible, and look for better options (fruit or veggies, crackers and cheese, etc.). (And if you're with them at the party, this becomes easier to enforce).
- Stay at the party with your child and bring along your own snacks. Inform the hosts prior to your coming that your child won't be partaking of the food offerings, and that you will be bringing them food from home instead. Tell your child that the foods at the party are yucky, and feel free to get into a discussion with the other parents at the party about why your child won't be eating along with everyone else.
Last week I was reading a book I picked up on sale while on summer vacation, but haven't gotten around to reading yet. It's called The Great Physician's Rx for Children's Health by Jordan Rubin. I have previously read and enjoyed The Maker's Diet (it was quite influential for me in my real food journey, actually). I knew that he would have solid information and suggestions, geared towards children's health in particular.
I was surprised to be so immediately turned off within the first chapters of the book, however, by the "holier than thou" attitude that I perceived in Dr. Rubin's and his wife's approach to shielding their young son from the dangers of processed foods. When their 3 year old son was invited to a birthday party, they came prepared with all of their own snacks from home.
He even proudly states at one point that their son has never eaten anything in his entire life that they do not consider to be "real food" (nothing processed or refined, no pasteurized or homogenized dairy products, no commercially raised grain-fed meat, no white sugar or table salt).
I'm not quite sure what world they live in, where they are able to have such complete and utter control over every single thing that ever enters his mouth- has he never been to a relative's home with different eating habits or to another family's home for dinner? Have they never been on the road or on vacation and needed to simply eat the best they could with the restaurants and choices that were available?
But I digress... back to the birthday party.
I know this is a hard area to deal with. I don't like allowing my children to eat processed, refined, toxic foods in the slightest. It makes me cringe, and as their mom, it's my job and responsibility to steward their health and train them in their eating habits.
Yet, as I've said many times before, people matter more than food.
Personally, I would opt for something along the lines of option #2 in the birthday party scenario, sending them with a full tummy and some words of wisdom, yet allowing them to graciously accept something celebratory like a piece of cake to enjoy with their friends. When I accompany them to parties, I encourage them towards the better options that are available, and allow them very limited amounts of the not-so-great options. But that's just me.
(And I'll even confess that although I'm usually the mom that makes the "weird" homemade spelt carrot cake with cream cheese icing colored pink with raspberry juice, this year I came down with an awful flu and was completely debilitated the day before my daughter's 7th birthday. We bought a store cake, for the first time ever. Sometimes, life happens, and my husband and I both felt that it was a priority for our daughter's party to continue as planned, whether mama was up for baking healthy cakes or not.)
I'm curious (and yes, I know this might spark a heated debate, so let's just use our big-girl words and keep it polite)...
To be fair to Jordan Rubin I think you have to examine his decision not to allow his son to consume any junk food in the light of his own experience with Crohn's disease which he attributes to the deviation he made as a teenager from the wholefoods diet he had been raised on. I didn't perceive a holier than thou attitude when I read that chapter and felt that he explained well how they would approach the dilemma of children's parties. Part of their strategy too was to give him something to eat before such gatherings especially at places such as McDonalds. It's a decision he and his wife have made and it's one I respect and I'm sure that their friends who know what strong advocates they are for health and well being understand. Sometimes I wish I had the courage to stick to my convictions about food all of the time and on all occasions as Jordan Rubin does and not make compromises but I do. I have some regrets about the compromises now and hope to return to following the Maker's Diet with a greater commitment this year as it brought so many benefits to our family.
I have to say, I have begun to tip toe into this health movement. I personally avoided it at all costs because it felt like food was all that the "food crowd" in my circle of friends were willing to talk about. Or how uncomfortable I'd feel if I'd bring brownies to a party and be asked, "Are these gluten free?" My husband was unemployed and we were spending $100 a month on groceries, while my friends of equally sized families were spending $500. It wasn't until at 24 years old that my organs started "malfunctioning" that I decided to give it a try. And I got better.
It was honestly these "party stunts" that would make me desperately want to avoid food "snob-dom" that I so often caught a foul smelling whiff of as their kids would reach for a go-gurt in my fridge, "My children are not allowed to eat those [you crappy mother]." And so now, I'm all in...health is important to me. I believe it. But as you said, people matter more than food. Any day, no matter how you slice it. For me, I believe that God holds absolute grace over those who are not in a position of knowledge or monetarily equipped to join the "food movement."
So if you're going to a party, spare the host the anxiety and shame of not feeding her kids superior, in your opinion. I had a good friend who started coming to my mother's group. Her husband is extremely abusive, often giving her black eyes and trying to kill her. She is allowed out once a week, seriously. She comes to our mother's group, or, she did once upon a time. One morning she ran out of the house because he was freaking out on her and she stopped at the store to buy her toddler a donut because she didn't have time to give her breakfast. She came to the group and we were having a lesson on the healing power of herbs and the lady who was speaking, very knowledgeable on food, called her out and said she shouldn't give her daughter donuts. It was incredibly embarassing...she never came back to church after that. I'm nearly a self-hating healthy person because I get so discouraged when I see people act like that. Oh well, just wanted to share my opinion.
As an aside, you can also teach your children to quietly come to ask you whether they are allowed to eat food at friends' houses. We have friends with very strict diets whose kids very quietly and sweetly go ask their moms if they can eat such and such, and if their mom says no, they either quietly say "no thank you!" or don't say anything at all to the host. There is no snobbery at all-- she just knows her kids and how food affects them (in their case for days after wards). A lot comes in how you say stuff; whether the tone is "holier than thou" (MY kids don't eat that crap) or just conversational (oh, thank you so much for offering! Eowyn doesn't do so well with __. This [other snack you've provided] is wonderful, though!).
My four children grew up eating mostly good food. We did the Dr. Denmark way of life when they were babies. The youngest is now 20 years old and they are all four very strong, healthy adults. I have seen the gamut of philosophies in eating/food/supplementing and have known many people from many different sides of the equation. In the end, looking back, I wish I had had more endurance, because I got weary towards the end of the teen years, and I am having to backtrack now with my own eating and health because I've not been careful myself in these last few years. Saying all that, I loved your comment about people being first. I've known Moms to come marching in to parties with attitudes and silliness, making a mountain out of a molehill at times and often I am afraid they are simply trying to prove their "righteousness" or what a good mother they are. I would rather somebody stay at home, if they are going to be rude or offend their host. Moderation is key. I know Moms that obsessed and controlled their children so much that when that child grew up, they immediately rebelled and abandoned everything. Or when they were in an environment where their parents were not watching closely, they were scarfing down all the cake/M&Ms/whatever as quickly as they could. What matters in life, in the end, is not what you ate. Yes, what we eat affects so much, but loving people matters more.
We honestly don't get out much, or spend time at events other than family (who have close to our food philosophy, with the exception of organic "junk food") so I go with #1. We eat a very strict diet at home, and I don't fuss at them when we go out. If they went to school, or spent a lot of time at other people's homes where the food was way out of line with our way, I'd probably do more of a #2-#3 :) In the past we've all been off of wheat, for example, and at those times I explain why to the kids and they refuse on their own. I think it's important to have the children on board with and understand why we eat the way we do, so we aren't fighting them along with the world. :)
I like the comment that relationships matter more than food. Though I would prefer my children to eat healthy all the time, it doesn't always happen. One rule I have made that the kids are pretty good to keep is they have to chose between having a soda/juicer drink or the dessert. Most of the time they opt for the dessert (in small doses). We too deal with someone from church that constantly gives out candy treats. They've learned to graciously say thank you, then it comes home where it may or may not be eaten. Most candy holidays we end up throwing a lot of the candy given to them from others away as we just don't eat that much. We would much rather use our sweet tooth on the things a bit better for us.
I really appreciate that you let life happen and reiterate that people are more important than food. Thank you!
I let my kids have treats at parties. If they had a food allergy, I would bring my own food.
I am changing a little though. A sweet lady at church brings candy for the kids twice a week. They also get other snacks at church. I don't want them to eat that stuff so frequently. I'm cutting out our at home treats, but still working on what I'll allow on such a consistent basis.
I am a 1/2 mix. My oldest has food sensitivities and can't have tomato, strawberry, watermelon or red 40. She is also 4 and tells people that she is allergic to ------ and will not eat anything red. All of Mac friends at church know we "-eat organic" and some offer healthier snacks at parties, but kids will be kids and if she eats cake and a to dog (cringe on the hotdog more than the cake) I am ok. Sweets are a big part of our house because of my hubby and as much as I would like to limit them, it is not happening!
I usually am #1.
Granted, the majority of my good friends know I aim to steer clear of a bunch of the icky stuff (so things like plain apple juice instead of kool-aid or whatnot tend to appear more and more often), so letting the kids have a cupcake or a slice of cake doesn't really phase me much. Besides, our diet isn't 100% perfect, and likely never will be. Because hey, we're human, and we're all going to make mistakes or slip up or whatever.
I definitely go with #1 and 2...I try not to make a huge deal out of the junk food because I don't want it to become some huge prohibited food that he'll be dying to try when he's older. And maybe it's just my son, but he's been known to turn down cake or other junky stuff totally on his own (not much of a sweet tooth, maybe). When we get home with a "goody bag," I sneakily throw out the worst of it, and then let him go at the rest--he usually doesn't like it as much as he thinks he will and then the lollipops and candies get thrown out half-eaten, hehe. But then he's only 3, so maybe it will get harder as time goes on.
I am SO glad you posted this. I was just thinking about this. I just threw my son a birthday party, and tried to keep it on the healthier side, but for the season of life we are in right now, I did have to lean a little more on the "convenience" side than I would have wanted to.
The hardest thing I am encountering is school parties. My older 2 boys are in school now, and it seems like every month there is some excuse to decorate store-bought sugar cookies with store-bought colored icing, candy and wash it down with a sugary "fruit" drink! I don't think I'm going to send them on Valentine's Day for their party. I feel horrible, but enough is enough! There is really no way I can control how much they eat these things when they're at school, and I really can't justify sending them time after time to eat this junk I have been trying to purge from our house.
Any ideas about how to think through school parties? I guess it's just the same as birthday parties...
Restricting children too much (unless necessary) can backfire. I've had personal experience with this. Children need the freedom to have fun and indulge once in a while. I'm a #1 person as much as possible. I think option #3 is completely rude unless there is a reason (food allergies, etc.). One of my children has food intolerances and can't eat certain things. When it's a gathering I'm attending it's not an issue because I can say yes or no to what she eats. However, if it's a birthday party I'll just tell the parents that she can't eat certain things and she'll eat what she can. She's old enough to know what she can and can't have. The same at school. Most of the treats that they bring in she can't eat, so she just doesn't eat them. If I'm asked to send something in, I always make sure that it's something she can have but it's not weird stuff that the other children won't want to eat. There is always someone having a birthday at school and most of the time she can't eat what they bring in. She doesn't like it but she's used to it. I don't expect anyone to make special allowances for my child.
Oh how I long to be a #1 or #2. Both of my daughters have multiple food sensitivities so I usually try to find out what is being served and make them a safe some-what similar version.
I truly would love to one day drop them off at a party and just say, "I love you! Have fun sweetie!" instead of "Here is is your food, remember not to eat anything else, it's ok that you're different, we love you, have fun!"
I am definitely a #2 mama:), but I find it is a constant struggle to find the balance in a very social community. I have watched my kids' mild cold symptoms get obviously worse over the course of a few indulgent hours at a Birthday party. Ack! Sugar is so bad for our immune systems!
But, we have found a few things that work for us- we have a set plan for how many and which days of the month the girls can get school lunch (gross, right!?). I also have a standing offer that I will buy from them any junk food they receive at parties, as school rewards, etc. They might get a sucker as a reward from their teacher and I would give them a quarter in exchange. A goodie bag from a party might earn a couple bucks. They have to save the money for a bigger ticket item later. They don't always opt for the cash, but I'm glad when they do. Like others said, I too always offer to bring a dish to share and make it something tasty and nourishing.
Love the buying junk food idea! I hadn't thought or heard of it before!
I am a little concerned as to how the hostess feels if people are bringing their own food and having a little 'put down' session about the hostess' food with other parents. If I had invited families for meals and they bring their own food without any prior arrangement, I would be very hesitant to invite them over again!!
Our children eat healthily at home and when they are out, they are sensible re eating 'sometimes' foods and will often ask if it's ok to eat some foods if they are unsure. We are to train our children to make healthy choices, but not in a way to degrade someone else's offerings of food.
I think a little balance is needed...if you cannot allow your child to enjoy a party or celebration by partaking in a small amount of cake then perhaps you and they shouldn't be there....children would prefer to miss out, than to have to look different.
i would say that it's not unacceptable to do a combination of the 3, but i also don't think it would be in a party spirit to tell your kid that those other foods are "yucky" - kids latch on to what they are told and you don't want the poor birthday boy or girl's day ruined by your child running around telling them how yucky their awesome party food is.
i am a huuuuge sucker for sweets and snacks and i would offer to bring at least 1-2 home made sweets or snacks - veggie sticks with home-made ranch and french dressing, or healthy less-sugar versions of some brownies, cookies, or muffins (yumm). even popcorn is cheap and totally friendly for kids, and if they aren't already trained on the over-salty drenched-in-oils version, plain popcorn popped on the stove in butter with a tiny bit of sea salt is my favorite salty snack ... and kids love popcorn! it's magical! the way the little white bits melt on your tongue...
We approach it from the 1 & 2 perspectives, mostly 2. With our firstborn, we were very careful and most of the parties he went to had parents who were also very health conscious. We now have seven children and lots of friends with differing perspectives. With the little ones, we definitely try to fill them up first and remind them of why we try to eat healthy, but let them partake. As our children have gotten older, they have the liberty to approach it as they choose. Frankly, our older children have not fully bought into our standards of eating, but they are home with us for meals 90 % of the time. We continue to teach them, and they continue to develop their perspective, but they need the space (as older children) to find their own convictions.
I have read that book also and I completely agree with you. I just don't think it's realistic to completely shelter them from junk food. I am one of those mom's that cringe at birthday parties also. I think if it was just the cake it wouldn't be a big deal but usually there is hot dogs, chips, pizza, ice cream and lots of other sugary foods. It's especially hard when these things come up often and you have church dinners birthday parties, and family events all around the same time. I try to tell my kids that when we get to do these things it's fun but we don't want to over do it and that we try to eat the best we can at home but it's fun to get treats sometimes. I also try to bring something that they like to eat that is good for them(if it's a church event or whatever). I try to remember as you said people or more important than food. Also if my kids are given candy, I tell them to take it and say thank you and bring it home with them. Sundays are our special dessert day and so they can eat a piece of their candy that day or I might make a special dessert.
I'm a #1. For me, life is too short to not value relationships WAY above an occasional treat/junk food session at a party. Why am I trying to give my kids good health? Ultimately, it's to glorify God (I pray), and if anyone was about relationships, it was Christ. So you do the best you can and look at the big picture.
I am not a parent just yet; our first child is due in May. As I think into the future I want to be a parent that feeds my child fresh, healthy real foods. I hope to accept the mindset that I do personally in my own life. Eat 90% wholesome and fresh and the other 10% it is OK to relax and enjoy some boxed brownies! :)
I think this is a very challenging issue especially when one chooses to eat a vastly different diet (gluten free, dairy free, food coloring free, mostly grain free) than most people. While our family doesn't have "severe" food allergies to these items, we do notice a difference in behavior, ability to control emotions, and general well being when those foods are avoided. As a result, we treat on-going "special events" (church, weekly get togethers, school snacks, school functions) different than truly special occasions (birthday parties, special parties). For the more routine events that are often "pot luck" style, I try to make sure to bring an alternative to the more tempting items (desserts, breads, etc.) that fits our family's diet with enough to share with other folks there. I then encourage my kids to make healthy choices and won't let them have the "contraband" (said tongue in cheek) as long as there is an alternative. So, I guess I'm a #3 mom for routine functions in our life, but I always try to provide enough to share. For other rare events - like birthday parties, I approach it more in a #2 manner, we are there to celebrate and person and an event, not the food. Thanks for bringing up a sometimes sensitive topic.
I tend to stick with a combo of both #1 and #2. I feel like it is so important to eat healthy and teach our children to eat healthy, but I also don't want to develop an unhealthy obsession over food. I can understand why parents who have children with food allergies need to be more careful. I feel blessed that my children do not have any food allergies that I know of. So, while we are at home I try to feed them whole, unprocessed food. I always limit candy intake when out or if someone offers I typically decline. But, when we are at a special event like a birthday party I allow my kids to eat what everyone elses child is eating. And, I don't want to find myself completely obsessed over food to a point where it is unhealthy, even though I have a passion to study healthy foods and nutrition.
So very well said Becky!!!
I'm a #1 and #2 combo. I don't *love* my kids eating junk, but I'm also not going to be holier-than-thou or rude about it! So, we allow moderate junk eating at other's celebrations, and I do feed them real food before we go, and let them decide how much of the treat they choose to eat.
Normally, what happens in they'll have some cake (minus frosting--none of my kids like the production stuff, so they just eat around it), they'll snarf down any fruit or veggies, and they'll eat enough candy to be happy, and save some for siblings at home. I'm good with that!
When we have our own celebrations, we share foods we normally eat (largely unprocessed and homemade), so they're free to enjoy it all to their stomach's content. We don't have a "clear your plate" rule, so the kids are used to being able to eat to satisfaction, even if there is still food in front of them. Since we don't have a blanket ban on junky treats, they don't tend to go nutty when confronted with them.
Well, I would definitely be the mom serving the yummy cake and ice cream! I know some people are really controlling about what their kids eat, but my husband and I just aren't like that. In fact, my daughter's a really picky eater and if I can get anything in her, I'm glad about it.
Well, I would be the mom serving the yummy cake and icing for my daughter. I know some people are really controlling about what their kids eat, but my husband and I just aren't like that.
I've always been a #1 parent, but I've recently started changing my tune. I realized that special events were happening EVERY single week. They would be given candy twice a week by coaches, snacks provided at Bible study, donuts and snacks at church, and on and on and on. We decided to take a break from all of that and only eat food that was made at our home. Some of the kids' teachers were a little upset, but the constant sugar cravings needed to be addressed--particularly as all four of my children are going through growth spurts and my eldest is beginning puberty. This is only for a season, but I think it's an important season for us.
elisabeth,
that's a really good point. i hadn't considered how many "special events" might occur as my kids get older.
I am for the most part a number 1 mom. I don't want my kids to grow up and resent the fact that they couldn't have a piece of cake at a birthday party. I feel it's rather harmless, and I also feel that it could make the hosts of the part feel insulted, or that we look down on them for allowing their children to consume junk food. However, obviously if there was an allergy or food intolerance that's different, and it's also different if it's a re-occurring event, like church, etc. When we have church potlucks, my kids are still young enough that I am dishing out their food for them anyways, so I have control over that, but I'll still allow them to have a treat that was brought to the potluck.
Also, I read Jordan Rubin's "Maker's Diet" book years ago and absolutely loved it, but have since read up some stuff on him regarding his credentials, etc, and not being truthful. I am not sure how accurate it all is, but I do recommend doing some research on him as an author. Nonetheless, I still learned a lot from "The Maker's Diet".
You know, when I was growing up there was a mom (who's daughter I was friends with) who always did the veggie platter over the cookies and soda and though both options were served, I remember her saying that the kids usually gravitated towards the healthier stuff. Whether this is because they're sick of the cookies (I know I usually was!) or because they know their bodies need more than another soda I have no idea. But I think its important to let kids make those choices on their own. (obviously this comes with a certain amount of age and maturity) But really, are you going to be going (and chaperoning!) the party with the spin the bottle game? REALLY?? You do your best to teach your kids correct principles and then let them go out in the real world and test their knowledge. If they do choose the junk food then they have to face the consequences. If they choose the healthy food then great, they'll be better off. If no healthy food is served you could bring your own and present it to the parent hosting or even ask beforehand, so you can fill your child up before going. But honestly, kids are kids, let them figure it out! You can't protect them from every bump and sugar cookie out there!
I usually fall between 1 and 2 here, but inside I feel like I'm more of a 3 most of the time. But I think the root of that is my battle for control, there is a large part of me that wants to be controlling over everything my family does, food related or not. And that's not healthy. With God's grace I've been able to recognize this and move the other direction, but I think that while this is about healthy eating there are issues of control at play here too. And as women, when we are holding tightly to our control of things that's not God's best for us.
It depends on the situation, but we're usually a 1 or 2 family. People and relationships are more important that food! If we're eating a meal at someone's house or another situation where it would be pretty obvious, then we just eat it without comment. (Okay, the comments are still a work in progress. My kids now recognize what things we don't have at our house and will sometime audibly protest, "Mommy that's ___! We can't eat that!") If it's more potluck style, then we try to eat some healthy stuff beforehand and then help guide their choices while we're there...and they still get plenty of compromise food. The only exception is food dyes. Our boys are super-sensitive, but people are usually very understanding.
We're kind of a 3 in the church nursery. It's just easier to check the "has own snack" box than to fill out a form on what he can/can't have, try to graciously explain every time and still know that he'll probably get fed the offending snack anyway (ahem, Froot Loops!). I'm not preaching to the workers or other parents on it though. :)
I'm a number 1 all the way. We're fortunate that our kids can handle some sugar in their systems every once in a while- some friends' kids will just be jittery and out of their own skin if that happens. So I feel like a little dose of sugar and artificial coloring every once in a while is not a big deal.
Part of the problem, from my perspective is that isn't really an isolated event. There are birthday parties, sports parties, church potlucks, snacks at clubs and so on, so I do think (polite) vigilance is required. With my older two children (ages 12 and 15) we mostly take the #1 approach. My youngest, however, has many food allergies & sensitivites and we cannot be flexible with eating in her case. We do opt out of many events but for close friend birthday parties my friends have been super gracious and made available healthy snacks that my daughter is able to eat. When it comes to things like the birthday cake or ice cream, my daughter must opt out (or she'll spend the next several hours in great pain on the couch) but we send a little "safe" treat for her.
All of my kids are grown so gone are the days of parties for us. But when they were little I would usually allow them to eat what was offered at the party. I fed them well at home and figured a few "unhealthy" foods wouldn't hurt them. It didn't. They are all healthy eaters now and still enjoy the occasional junk food. My boys are runners and healthy eating is important to them. "Train a child in the way he should go, Proverbs 22:6
I am struck by how many of the comments focus of the importance of relationships and allow that to mean that having another alternative is "choosing food" over people. I encourage my son (12years old) to be proud of his healthy food choices, restrain from foods that are not good for him, and most importantly, keep a positive attitude no matter the scenario. I care deeply about the relationships nurtured by birthday parties or other "food" events, but beyond the host providing food, I care for the host!
If I provide, very casually, my son with an alternative food I believe it does 3 things. 1.) it does not create a big stink about the host not having known about our allergies (gluten, food coloring, etc.) 2.) it enables my son to see that sometimes the right choices will leave you on the outside of the pack, but that doesn't mean you don't still make the choice that is right (think peer pressure induced drinking, drugs, etc.) and perhaps most important, 3.) it shows my friends a great example of how easy and non invasive great health choices can be without staying boxed up in my house when social events occur.
I am not saying we need to go crazy rigid on our kids experience of the food world that is America, but I strongly believe we must enable our kids to choose both people (with loving words of affirmation and quality time) AND also stewardship of our bodies (with deeply committed, quality food standards). The moment I imply to my son that it will hurt someone's feelings if we don't eat their poor quality food is the moment I show him that pleasing others is more important than the stewardship of our bodies.
Now this all being said, visiting great grandma in middle-of-nowhere Nebraska opens the door for "make the best choice with what you've got" conversations. (think iceberg lettuce, iron kids bread, spam.........)
You don't want to end up like the mom in this SNL parody or the original commercial:
http://eater.com/archives/2011/03/13/saturday-night-live-high-fructose-corn-syrup-commercial.php
'People matter more than food!' True.... but this does not mean that our children have to eat all their junk food. If it offends someone because you are not eating their food... by all means have a piece with no guilt. Usually the child's friend doesn't give a whiff what they are eating... they just want to have a good time. To take your own food and eat it in front of them is 'in your face' rude and needs an explanation if they are fighting a disease. A great idea is to offer adding to the party food and bring healthy yummy snacks, and tell all the children to help themselves. Many adults decline cake, a child can learn to decline cake with grace as well. Teach children to receive with thanks, use moderation, wisdom and enjoy life to the max!
I'm at #1 from these choices. I grew up not having the option to eat a lot of the 'treats' that other kids got and it definitely made it harder once I had the opportunity to partake of them. (I would sneak off to the store and spend my paper delivery money on oreos, crackers, chips, etc., take them home and devour all in one sitting.) So I have pretty big feelings about making foods forbidden. I also am aware that young children don't always have the best filters on their speech and don't want them going to a party and telling the host that their food is 'yucky' or something similar. What I've noticed as they get older is that my children are capable of setting their own limits. At one of the first parties they attended the host had a bottle of red punch. My kids asked for water. Guess what? Almost every other kid ended up asking for water as well. The red punch went untouched. They have learned on their own that store bought cakes are often just too sweet and after several bites they are done. I am hoping that as they grow into adulthood they will continue to be able to apply these lessons to their own food choices and not have to go through the stage of eating nothing but junk before they learn what foods make them feel best.
I have a 2 1/2 year old and most of my friends know how I feel about junk food. I am usually a #2 person. At the majority of get togethers, everyone brings something to eat, so I have the opportunity to bring good whole foods. I always offer my daughter these whole foods first and then if there are other good choices like fruit, veggies, and cheese, I will give them to her too. But as she gets older, I will be teaching her the importance of choosing whole foods and let her live with the consequences when she does not choose whole foods. She does get goldfish every Sunday in the nursery and that is fine with me as she only gets this once a week and I don't give her any chemically processed foods at home. We do eat out about once a week and always try to choose the best foods, but these are'nt always whole foods. My opinion is that as long as my friends and family knows my views on eating that I have the freedom to bring the best food options for my toddler and feel no guilt in graciously turning down junk food.
I'm a #1 mom for sure, with the exception of food coloring, since my son is so sensitive to it. I do bring snacks everywhere (a piece of fruit, usually) in case there is literally nothing he can have.
I'm a #1 or #2 mom. It's so hard. My kids don't get invited to a lot of birthday parties, but we have a real struggle with church. They hand out smarties at the door and goodies and snacks all the time! It's so hard to be gracious, be fair to my children, and stick to my food convictions!
That said, we are about to start GAPS for my 2 year old, and we're just all going to do it together (except my husband). Especially during the initial phase and for the first year or so on the full diet, I think I would be a #3 or just decline altogether, but I would try to explain as best I could and not be rude.
I was watching some YouTube videos last night with the authors of Body Ecology and GAPS, and something they both talked about was how once your gut is healed, you can have some junk once in a while, and particularly if you eat or drink a food rich in probiotics along with it, you're not going to suffer ill consequences. I think we can all afford to be gracious guests!
This is such a struggle, not just for birthday parties, but even snack at preschool. My feeling is that if I can provide real food at home nearly all the time, then the little processed food the kids are exposed to in social settings will be less detrimental. Basically we follow an 80/20 rule. Some weeks are certainly better than others, depending on their social schedule.
I wrote a similar post about the same struggles.
http://randomrecycling.blogspot.com/2012/01/why-i-say-no-to-rainbow-colored.html
We stopped useing Bleached sugar 3 years ago & have slowly change the majority of our pantry to clean food....so we have this happen to our Family at least once a week and ALWAYS get a Food Hangover! We traditionally encourage our friends to provide for whatever special dietary needs they might have...but exstended Family is harder..This Past Christmas We tried to get them to Eat at Resturants Like "Panera" who have a reputation for offering clean foods...But they told us next year they want to eat at 5 Guys with the MSG, GMO Loaded Foods..talk about a Hangover we will never agree to.
HI,
Birthday parties are my thing. I run theme parties for kids. In my experience it's very rare if a parent doesn't have a balance of food. I find that kids are often not very hungry because they are excited. However, they do seem to eat the fruit and veggies that are offered first. I find it's the parents that serve these big pieces of cake or large cupcakes. The kids barely eat them. Mini cupcakes or cookies seem to work great. I think that all we can do as parents is our best. Food is a very personal aspect of any family. When you are invited to their party, you are being invited into their life. I think that you have to grin and bare it. It's only a short span of time. Unless your child has an allergy, I think that a child can from pick from what is being offered. Having fun is what's important!
We have eight children who currently range in age from 9 to 24. We went whole foods / no sugar, grain or starch about two years ago so our family has a *long* history with processed foods, white flour, sugar and starches so we tend to be a mix between 1 and 2 and it's not just at outside events but also at events here at home.
As an example, we have ALWAYS had a big spread for Super Bowl Sunday that included Nachos made with corn tortilla chips and -gasp- Velveeta cheese. Instead of removing it from the menu I served it with a smile on my face alongside our new love; a piping hot spinach & artichoke dip. Did everyone have the non-food Velveeta dip and chips? YES! But here's the happy news; they also ate A LOT of the Spinach & Artichoke dip. Who knows, as the years go by we may notice the Velveeta dip less and less until eventually, it falls of the menu on its own. ;)
Thanks for another GREAT post.
Personally, I feel that option #3 would come across as very rude to someone who is including you in a celebration of their child's life, as well as extending hospitality to you. Of course there are exceptions to this, such as a food allergy or sensitivity. in which case I think it would be perfectly fine (and necessary) to inform your host/hostess that you plan to bring an alternative choice for your child. Otherwise, I feel like the scripture that talks about food sacrificed to idols (1 Corinthians 8:1-13), can apply to this situation: knowledge about real foods and healthy eating is good, and is an essential part of stewarding our bodies to the glory of God. But showing love, honor, and thankfulness towards one another is of far greater worth and is also a form of stewardship as we seek to nurture the relationships the Lord has placed in our lives (especially in the case of unbelievers). All that to say, I think I'm an option #2 kinda gal. :) But truth be told, since we eat well at home the majority of the time, sometimes I opt for option #1... just for fun! ;)
I have a little bit of a hard time understanding the rationale that we should pick people before food and therefore eat the food. (have to say i'd probably pick 2, that's not the issue). If you choose not to go to parties bc you dont want your child to be around those foods, then yes you are picking food over people. But if you choose to go to the party, but maybe bring your own food, for whatever reason, then I don't see that as picking one over the other. You choose not to compromise your health standards but are still there to celebrate. I go back and forth with this issue a lot bc my son is only 2 1/2. But no matter what, if I can prevent it, there are certain things I dont want him ingesting no matter what. So if that means bringing my own food or saying no, then that's what it's going to be. I'm not going to compromise to not hurt someone's feelings...so I can hurt my child's tummy instead? Nope. There's too much importance and emotion placed on food. If someone comes to my bday party and doesnt eat the food for whatever reason my feelings wont be hurt. I'm just happy they came n I understand.
# 2 Coming to the party full and bringing your own snacks as well as selecting the healthier options for your child is what I would do. But we dont go to school friends birthdays yet.. we go to our close friends homes and we know they serve healthy foods and follow our moral.
Letting a child have junk at a party teaches them that at celebrations its ok to eat unhealthy and this is a message that will stick with them as they grow.
What does that mean for your child who eats healthy at home but is allowed to "party" once and a while? Well it teaches them that fun equals junk!
Its not appropriate to be snickering with other moms about the unhealthy food at the party or to tell your child that this family whose home your at eats unhealthy.
This will back fire on you as children will talk and you could seriously hurt someone's feelings.
A more appropriate idea is to offer to bring something to a party you know might have disappointing food.
Bring along some healthy food your family can eat. If your child has a very healthy diet with limited processed foods then eating junk could give them a horrid stomach ach that is more appropriate to tell your child if they start reaching for candy and chips, its the truth.
If you get your child to help you make it then they will be looking forward to trying it once you arrive at the party making it easier for them to stick with what you brought.
Some people think oh its only at parties that we at junk.. well I dont know how many friends you have or how many children are in your childs class but during the year your child could be invited to over 12 Birthday parties. I know I was a preschool teacher) Thats a lot of junk and a lot of mixed messages for a child. Live by example -at your childs party provide all healthy foods make super cute labels or signs to attach to the servers "organic cheese platter" Organic farmers market veggies" The signs look cute and they leave a little message in your party goers brain like "hey maybe I should do more fresh fruit and veggies"
I'm a #2, but I try not to make a fuss at a party. My kids don't get many treats at home and I would try to fill their plates with healthier alternatives, realistically one meal isn't going to make a huge difference. At home I make about 98% of foods from scratch and thankfully I don't have to worry about food allergies. I would rather they have a good time and enjoy the party which also is a little less parenting work for me for an hour.
I probably wouldn't have commented since there are a lot of similar opinions posted. But I actually had a party where a parent brought all the kid's food and snacks. It really threw me off! I knew this family ate organically (no allergies) but I had a very good and healthy spread (and we eat organically too!). These people are friends of mine so I honestly thought it was a little rude.
I probably go back and forth between numbers 1 and 2. We were faced with this kind of scenario recently and the conclusion I came to is that I want to do what's best to keep our family healthy, BUT I don't want to allow food to become a barrier to fellowship. Though I haven't done an in-depth study, looking at it from a biblical point of view, there is minimal mention of what we should eat in the new testament, versus a huge emphasis on loving one another. So for me that's the best mindset to go with: fellowship is more important than food.
Barring any food allergies or intolerances, people matter so much more than food. I am the child of missionaries who have always asked me to consider whether or not my food choices would be a barrier to relationships (and of course in my own home I choose whatever I think is best for my family). People cook as a way to show love! That's why I ate meat in other people's homes even as a vegetarian. I've eaten chicken feet, goat, hot dogs, and so many things I would't be able to identify, all in the name of love for my brothers and sisters in Christ. Unless I had already had a loving, non-judging conversation with the host, I cannot imagine sending my child to a party with their own food.