It's been a long, hard day. Today was the second day that my husband has been in the hospital, and at this point, we do not know when he will be coming home. Life since Friday has been a fairly exhausting mix of his illness, much work to be done (my own, as well as helping him with some of his that absolutely could not be avoided), children that are sad/tired/confused and missing their Daddy, a baby that's not getting enough sleep, and a mama who is just tired and weary and feeling a bit done with it all.
I wish that I had a wonderful update for you all, letting you know that the doctors know what is wrong and things are looking promising, but it's just not true. Every test so far has come back absolutely normal, and as our kind doctor said this afternoon, all that he has right now is question marks. Same goes for Ryan and I. Diagnosis, though difficult, can sometimes be easier than the not knowing or having no answers as to what will bring healing.
Today was also difficult in other regards. Around noon, we listened in disbelief and sorrow as one of Ryan's hospital roommates went into a code blue. His heart stopped, and he was not resuscitated, as his suffering was so great at the end of a long battle with lung cancer. We heard his adult children and his wife weeping openly, and then recite Psalm 23 as a family... "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures... Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death...". It broke my heart.
It seems that illness and death are all around us. Last night while watching a video with our children in the hospital lobby we saw friends from an old church, and discovered that he, too, was in a battle with cancer. My husband's father's wife who lives far away from us is currently in her own battle with terminal brain cancer and is literally hanging on by a thread the last several days.
Life is fragile. We are like the grass the grows and then withers and will one day be gone.
And yet, we have so much hope.
God, in His absolute goodness, has already met our greatest need by saving us from His much-deserved wrath and instead flooding our lives with incredible grace and mercy through Jesus Christ. We have never been promised lives of ease, free of pain or sadness or loss. We are broken people, living in a broken world. Yes, God can absolutely heal, and yes, I believe that He is more powerful than we can even imagine. I don't doubt His ability to do great and gracious things among us during our earthly lives, and yet that is not what I hold out hope for. I've said it before and I'll say it again... our hope is not in physical healing, in perfect health, in happiness here on earth.
Our hope is in what's to come. In the One who saves and whose face we will one day gaze upon, most likely with wonder that we ever doubted His goodness at all.
Are you certain today of the hope that you have and your standing before this God, who though He is merciful is also pure and incapable of allowing the wretchedness of our sinfulness into His presence? If you are, praise Him. Rejoice in what He has done for you and remember once again how fleeting our earthly lives are and how eternal He is.
If you're not sure, I beg with you to visit this site and learn more about the 2 ways that we can choose to live our lives.
Our family would appreciate your prayers throughout this week. For my husband's healing, and particularly for wisdom for the doctors, and for tests and specialists to come through quickly. For our children, to be surrounded by the comfort and peace that only the Holy Spirit can bring. For their mommy, to continue trusting in the Lord and in His goodness, in ALL circumstances and ALL outcomes, as well as simply for strength and energy to continue to take care of all that needs to be done. And especially that we would all look to Jesus through this trial, without fear or anxiety, and bring glory to His name in the midst of it.
I will try to keep you all updated, if not through my blog, then through twitter (@keeperhome).
Thank you, my friends, for the support and prayers I know you always give. I may not know you in real life, but your kindness still touches my heart and your prayers affect my life.