Making Healthy Changes When Your Husband Isn’t on Board
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There are a lot of things that my husband does that I know very little about. For example, buying and installing more ram for our computers. Or writing a marketing proposal and presenting a sales pitch to the CEO of a company. Or how to set up a set of drums, much less teach aspiring musicians how to play them.
There are a lot of things that I know about that my husband isn't so well versed on. Like all of the benefits of soaking grains and the how-to of doing it. Or how to make a dinner that involves more than stir-fry or toast and cheese (but seriously, the man makes good stir-fry). Or how to use a canner and put up enough home-grown diced tomatoes to last the year.
This isn't just because I am ignorant of electronics, marketing and music, and he is uninformed about nutrition, cooking and homemaking. While that's true to a degree, it goes much deeper than that. We're both intelligent people, capable of learning what we need to in order to fulfill the unique roles we've been given.
Why do I bring all of this up? I hear time and time again from women who want very much to make changes to their family's food buying habits, their diet and their overall nutrition. The problem? Their husbands aren't on board.
I think it's important to point out one of the major reasons that husbands often don't get on board, or at least not as quickly as we hope that they will. This is not their domain.
They are not homemakers. They are not cooks (most of them). They probably do not buy the groceries. They also do not spend the time that we may spend reading books, or blogs, or articles, teaching us why and how to improve our nutrition.
In our family, although my husband is on board, I am the one who pushes the healthy and natural lifestyle changes that we've been making. It's not that my husband is opposed. But, 1) It's not his passion and 2) He doesn't have the time that I do to pour into it and really learn why it all matters. Over the years, I have learned to try to explain to him some of the things that I am learning, why I am making certain changes, why I'm preparing food in a different manner, why I don't want to buy such-and-such anymore, etc. He still doesn't "get it" to the same degree as me (because he's not the one doing all the research), but he respects me and my opinions and he is generally amazing about allowing me to try out these things that I am learning as I seek to serve and care for my family.
For those who are struggling with a bit more resistance, or a husband who is even strongly opposed to changes that you would like to make, here are a few suggestions:
1) Don't let this issue become a stumbling block in your marriage.
I think that nutrition, health, good stewardship and all the other issues that I write about are important (or else I wouldn't have a blog devoted to them!). BUT, they are not more important than my husband or my marriage. If it comes down to it, surrender your desires to the Lord and trust Him to meet your needs as you put your marriage first!
2) Don't undermine your husband's authority as leader in your home.
Oh, we women struggle so much with wanting to grasp at that authority, don't we? We often think that we know best and want to try to force it on our husbands. We need to remember that God, in His complete wisdom and sovereignty, has given us the exact husband that He wanted us to have and that He is the author of marriage and the designer of the concept of submission.
If your husband is truly opposed to something or you can tell it really displeases him, don't do it! It just isn't worth it to replace your conventional milk with raw milk if it requires you to undermine your man. You may have to get creative with how you add more veggies into your meals if he grew up on canned corn and iceberg lettuce. You might even need to just sit on your ideals and knowledge for a while, praying that your husband will come around, but trusting that God is ultimately in control of the situation and of your family's health!
3) Give him good information in bite-sized pieces.
Most husbands work long days (or nights) before coming home to their precious families. Though they might be willing to read a book on nutrition to understand what you've been learning, they just might not have the time and the energy after they come home, eat a meal, help put the kids to bed and then take some downtime or time alone with you.
Over the last few years, I've learned that this is the best way to teach my husband about something: Find a brief article (a couple pages), or one really good chapter of a book, or a video (maybe 20 min. or less) every so often and offer it to him. Tell them that it explains some things that you think are really important and ask them to read/watch it and if you can, discuss it together after. I have found almost every time that my hubby is absolutely willing to do this. He walks away more informed about what I am learning and doing, and usually more convicted on whatever the issue was (raw milk, avoiding toxins, buying meat from clean sources, etc.).
4) Make it your priority to please him.
Next to your relationship with the Lord, your relationship with your husband ought to be the most important in your life. We need to show this in practical ways, and the food we serve is definitely one of them!
In the last couple of years, I have made a point of asking my husband about different meals or baking that I make so that I can find out how much he really likes it. If it's a thumbs up, it goes on my regular list of things to make. If it's so-so, we might have it very occasionally. If it's thumbs down (even if I love it or it's really good for us), I don't make it again unless he's out and won't be eating it. I have also learned that we are all so much happier when I do my best to take my nutritional principles and apply them to styles of food that he loves. I try to cook in a way that will make my hubby arrive home pleased and eager to eat what I've prepared. I love it when he loves what I've cooked!
5) Start slow and implement change little by little.
I didn't grow up eating the way I do now. It took many years and much determination to learn to eat healthfully as I do now, and to overcome a strong dislike of many wholesome foods (beans, brown bread, most veggies, some fruits).
Your husband may be the same. If so, it's going to take patience and diligence to help him change his tastebuds and learn to like what's better for him. Perhaps you could ask him if you could introduce a new meal or dish once a week? Or you could take some of his favorites and see if there are small things you can do to make them just a little bit better without removing all the pleasure. Or see if there are changes that he will willingly make, and a few compromise areas that you can just leave as they are for now (because some change is better than none!).
How do you find the balance between making healthy changes, and continuing to please and serve your husband?
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This is a tough issue for me! Over the past year, I've made lots of healthy changes in the way I eat and cook. Unfortunately, my husband has not been on board, and I've been asked to provide alternate meals for him. He's even been known to go grab food at a drive-thru after picking at dinner.
It's a slow process, and in all honesty it's getting better. He's been able to see and appreciate the difference in my health (I've lost over 60 pounds!). But, he still isn't enjoying vegetables or whole grains. I try to sneak healthier foods in where I can and have the foods available that he loves, although I stay away from that section in the pantry!
Thankfully, our young daughter has developed a love for fresh foods and whole grains. I pray that she will continue to enjoy healthy eating and my husband will be eager to try and enjoy foods that are healthier for his body.
Joanna´s last blog ..Fleur de Lis Cake
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This was very balanced and needed, thank you. My problem is not my husband, it's my teenagers who are old enough to have preferences already. I suppose the same techniques would work to convince them (information in bite sized pieces,etc.)
Jena´s last blog ..Security or Significance.. you tell me.
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This is a great post on this topic! I found that my husband was somewhat set in his ways and was a little weirded out at first when I stopped buying corn dogs, Country Crock, and candy. But I shared some of the interesting facts in the side bars of Nourishing Traditions and that, combined with how much better we realized we felt after going off of junk food, helped him to realize this wasn't some random extreme fad that I was doing, but rather it was appropriate for how we were created.
That said, he still likes his white breads, and it's not too tough to just pick up some flour tortillas and make a loaf of white bread every once in a while. In the lunch I packed this morning there were Doritos, whole wheat brownies with coconut oil, and organic chicken and sauerkraut in the sandwich. It's a balance.
Cara @ Health Home and Happiness´s last blog ..Tropical Traditions Review and Giveaway
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Great advice! I am blessed with a wonderful husband, who gives me free reign with food purchases and cooking. However, I followed your advice when I first began to change our diets to more traditional foods and preparation methods. I would bring up an interesting topic I read about in a conversation with him. A day or two later, I might present him with a short article on the same subject. He's also watched a few videos when I've asked. He is usually on board immediately with any changes I'd like to make, once he's more informed on the subject. In fact, he was SO excited to go see Food, Inc. with me this past summer when it came to a nearby city. It's been a little over a year since we began to change our diets, and he doesn't question anything I want to try anymore. He knows I've done the research, and that it is in our family's best interest.
Good luck to everyone out there who struggles with this!
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Thank you for writing this post. It really helped me put things in the right perspective, as my husband is not exactly on board with the changes I'd like to make. You have no idea how much I appreciate your blog, and your perspective on all of these things. It is truly inspirational to me. Thanks again.
~Stephanie
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This isn't huge of an issue for us, although in some ways it is, only less so. One of the major things, is that I have made changes very, very gradually over the years. Its been over 5 years now of making changes. So it wasn't all at once and there are changes I still want to make. Some of them I have had to give up on or compromise. For example, my husband loves packaged cereal, although not the worst ones, its still not what I would consider good. So I buy the equivalent in an organic brand, so that its not full of preservatives at least. It does bother me since I know cereal is overprocessed etc etc even if its organic. And I don't buy it all the time, but enough that he is happy with it. There are other things like this too. We are still working on the sugar thing with him. I don't press it, but I know he eats it at work.
Its very true that marriage is way MORE important than these things.
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I agree fully with making little changes at a time. It was hard for me even to makes some of the changes we did, but so worth it. My husband now looks back and is amazed at how his food likes and dislikes have changed over the years. No one complains anymore that we only eat brown rice.;) SOmetimes though we still go back to eating something that is not good for a meal or two but then we go back to eating well again.
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One thing that might be interesting would be a list of recipes with the "alternatives" put in... for example: my husband loves pizza. I shouldn't eat the store-kind for health reasons. I make my dough with whole-wheat (I get white whole wheat because he likes it better) and coconut oil. The sauce is homemade and I crumble hamburger (from our own cows) ontop instead of pepperoni.
Is it the best meal for me? Probably not. But I CAN eat it once in awhile without any ill effects.
It would be fun to have a list of a bunch of recipes for "typical guy-food" with alternative ingredients....
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This is a typical issue for our family. I'm reading now as my husband is out buying pizza because he was home all day today while I was working and guess what...he didn't make any dinner! *sigh* glad to hear it isn't just me...
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This is a great post. Almost four years ago I started making changes to our diet. My husband eventually began to see that the homemade, organic food just tasted better. Soon he began experimenting in the kitchen and now if I don't have time to cook, he gladly jumps in. His cooking is delicious and uses the healthy ingredients we both now love. We eat out a lot less and are now teaching our daughters to be foodies! It took time and patience, but it was totally worth it!
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Thank you! I agree with you. It is so frustrating at times though to work so hard, because I'll be honest, sometimes I feel chained to the kitchen, and have my husband not appreciate all the effort and research and sweat that went into that meal. arg!
I have to remember what my grandma told me on my wedding day, "just remember dear, men are simple creatures. Keep everything very simple and not too complicated and he'll be happy" How true. I tried to have a discussion about the benefits of raw milk with my husband and i went on and on about the enzymes, dangers of pastuerization etc.. he asked me "does it taste good?" ha ha ha. Straight to the bottom line.
So i guess I have to stop stresssing about the small stuff and thank God for a great husband. He is slowly coming around..slowly...
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Stephanie @ Keeper of the Home Reply:
November 23rd, 2009 at 8:43 pm
@Heather H., I love that all your hubby wanted to know about raw milk was whether it tasted good. That's what my husband loves most about ours- how good it tastes!
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Thanks for such a great post and for helping to keep things in perspective. I am really, really new to the whole foods ideas, although I have been making healthy changes in our diet over the past year. It is important for me to remember to take baby steps and like you said - some change is better than no change. Sometimes I read your blog and others like it and want to do everything to cook and eat in that way all at once. It's a good reminder to hear that you developed your eating habits over years and to remember that I am just starting out and don't have to do it all at once.
My husband is not enthusiastic about some of the changes I have made or still want to make, but he is not flat out opposed either, so I guess I need to remember that in itself is a blessing. I do want to respect him and please him with the choices I make in the kitchen!
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Stephanie,
Such a beautiful perspective on keeping your home and husband happy and joyful. I bookmarked it for when I write the "husbands" post that my readers have asked me about even before I noticed that you linked to my hamburg helper. Thank you! Great comments, too...my raw milk co-op ladies all agree that it's difficult to get the husbands on board, but worth it.
Katie @ Kitchen Stewardship´s last blog ..Monday Mission: Thanksgiving Review Week
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Thank you so much for this. I think it is so important that we wives do not undermine our husbands authority. My husband is not totally against my making healthier changes as long as I stick to our budget. For example he makes fun of people who pay a lot for raw milk. So, unless he decides it is worth the money I will not buy raw milk. Also, my family is not too crazy about homemade pizza. But, my husband knows that is cheaper for me to make it than order it from somewhere. So, he eats it and appreciates that not only is it cheaper but also healthier. We still order it sometimes but not as often. I make small changes and pray God will give me wisdom to make healthy changes while still pleasing my husband.
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This was an awesome post. I'm so blessed that my husband is hands-on a part of our healthy lifestyle, but I have friends who have said that they didn't think their husbands would go for a lifestyle change. I'm going to pass this on.
Hallee
Hallee´s last blog ..Surviving Separation: Snail Mail
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Best to remember that it's a journey we are on, not a destination to conquer.
Karen´s last blog ..Family Resemblance??
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I totally agree on the bite-sized pieces and taking it slow advice. I also think it is important to consider which issues are worth standing on the table for and which you are okay with letting go (for a while or forever). There are many things about which I am passionate, but Kyle is definitely NOT, but he is usually open to most any thing I want to try. (Not the cloth TP though. I don't know if I'll ever convert him on that!!)
Megan@SortaCrunchy´s last blog ..Baby Week: Maternal Instinct or Conventional Wisdom - Which to Trust?
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Such a thoughtful post...I appreciate your insights...God is Good! Keep on looking to Him for wisdom and to keep you as you encourage others in His paths...may the Lord bless you today!
Blessings,
Camille
Camille´s last blog ..Macaroni and Cheese
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Hahaha...funny that my last post is mac and cheese.
Camille´s last blog ..Macaroni and Cheese
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Okay...so I literally THIS week stumbled upon the concept of "natural" living...where have I been? Anyone have any posts on "getting started"?
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Stephanie @ Keeper of the Home Reply:
November 27th, 2009 at 7:18 pm
@Kitty Hurdle, A good place to start on my site is the category Baby Steps:
http://www.keeperofthehome.org/baby-steps
Lots of different posts on small, simple ideas for making one change at a time.
I've also got an ebook on the concept of baby steps, called Healthy Homemaking: One Step at a Time. You can read more about it and purchase it here:
http://www.keeperofthehome.org/my-books/my-ebook-healthy-homemaking
Welcome to the journey of natural living... it's a good one!
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Thank you so much for this post! My husband has not eaten vegetables in ages. He had one leaf of lettuce after much begging on my part to try a fantastic dressing - at our engagement celebration dinner nearly 11 years ago! That's it! We have gotten into fights over me just setting peas out where he can see them. For the longest time, he asked me to eat salads in another room since they smelled like vegetables.
I have made my own bread in the past - very hearty bread - and he has like that. I've slacked off with preparing healthier meals since we had our first baby but you have spurred me on to continue! Thanks!
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Man this really puts things in perspective!! As frustrated as I get with my own situation, it took this post for me to see how easy I actually have it. My husband and I became equally intrigued in healthy living a couple years ago (actually he technically started it, when we met he was using "weird" deodorant because of aluminum in conventional... which interestingly enough he learned from the musician Sting, when he met him backstage... who knew?). He loves to handle all the grocery shopping and food preparation. I tried to stage a takeover once, because I felt lazy as a homemaker who did no cooking for her children, and he got so offended!! You are so right, the marriage is the priority
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My husband is pretty much on board since it is he who started the ball rolling. Whenever it seems that I am going too far overboard, he makes gentle statements to reign me back in.
Fruitfulvine2´s last blog ..Ministry Trip to Guadeloupe
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My husband is very much on board with all the changes. He is the one who started me on this journey. When he figures that I am going way overboard he usually makes a gentle comment that pulls me back.
Fruitfulvine2´s last blog ..Ministry Trip to Guadeloupe
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Hi! I really liked your forum, especially this section. I just signed up and immediately decided to introduce myself, if I'm wrong section, ask the moderators to move the topic to the right place, hopefully it will take me well... My name is Mary, me 29 years, humourist and serious woman in one person. I apologize for my English
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Good heavens lady, what century do you live in? "Make it your priority to please him"? You sound like a Victorian governess. Live a little - I'm sure The Lord would want you to. You poor thing.
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