I've tried working on other posts today. In fact, I spent too much time on the computer this morning, and accomplished very little. And yet this is the only post that I feel that I can write today with any integrity.
I woke up feeling quite ill today, I had a bad sleep last night, and haven't had much energy at all (and couldn't stomach the coffee that I thought might wake me up). I've been selfish, grumpy, short tempered with my children, and used being sick as an excuse to be lazy.
In the midst of it, this post from my friend Melanie on how she handled homeschooling and caring for her four young children during a difficult season spoke loudly to me this morning:
How did I do it? I didn't. I was angry, tired, frustrated, mean,
impatient, harsh, selfish. I despaired of my children's future living
with me. Seriously. There were days where I didn't find time for a
shower. There were days where I wasn't dressed until 3 in the
afternoon. It wasn't like that with any of the other children - I was
always able to shower and dress before breakfast with the other three.
God was abundantly gracious to me during this time! In His kindness, he
let me come undone. He let me see the extent of my dependence on Him.
Sleep? Is all His grace. How do I know? He withheld it from me for a
season. Food? All His grace. He let me see how dependent I am on it; I
get very grouchy when I don't eat and He gave me four children who all
needed to be fed first while my stomach rumbled. Coffee? His grace. I
know because of the headaches I had at noon when I hadn't had the first
of three daily cups. I grew in my awareness of all his graces to me and
I grew in my awareness that I don't deserve it.
My sin sprayed out
of me with a stench much like manure being spread over large crops.
Except my sin had no value as fertilizer. That was the point. There was
nothing of value I could offer to the Lord. He let me see that. My good
work of homeschooling? A filthy rag - there was sin all over it. My
good work of staying home with my children? Covered with sin. My good
work of having the children in the first place? Stained with sin.
Sources of pride were stripped away as I saw the extent of my sin in
all that I did.
And yet, I have a dear friend who would say to me on
the few occasions I saw her, "The Lord is pleased with you." I didn't
believe her. I would think to myself, "He can't be pleased - He sees
how my days truly play out and there is nothing to take pleasure in."
But she was right. The Lord was pleased with me. He still is. He is
pleased with me because of the Gospel.
I simply have to gaze at the
cross and see that my sin and shame was borne by Christ. The just
judgment and wrath of God was poured out upon Him. The problem of my
sin has been taken care of. The pleasure He takes in me is because
Christ's righteousness has been credited to me. The righteous life He
lived, has been transferred to me just as if I had lived a perfect,
righteous life myself.
Read entire post here.
Hallelujah, what a Savior! He sees me, really sees me in all of my sin and weakness, and is still pleased with me because of the cross of Christ.
And that is the best news that I could ever receive. For today, I'm clinging to that truth, and doing what I can do through His grace alone.